23 Reasons You Can’t Marry Him

It seems like a good idea now but get yourself a box set, see the sorts of problems these people have, reconsider. You may think an ultimatum like, “I’ll stop stripping if we get married,” is a win, an endgame, altering sentence, the sort TV royalty might say, but imagine Don Draper, think that Mary-Louise Parker character in Weeds. They couldn’t give a shit if you stripped or didn’t and rightly so. Who considers changing careers when a man asks? Anymore.

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She’s Just a Picture

Jack asks, “If you could pick an Olsen twin, which would you pick?” like it’s a question he’s been waiting to ask that we all have an answer to, like, “What’s your religious stance?” or, “Do you like popcorn?” (which I’ve found to be more complicated than a yes or a no thing).

“Which one was in Beastly?” I ask, unsure of the difference after a certain point, although I’m familiar with the sliding scales of blonde hairdressers suggest now.

“The wrong one,” Jack replies, “But they recited Frank O’Hara in it, and Neil Patrick Harris was in it.” I know but it’s better to leave experts thinking they’re experts, unless you’re ready prepared for disappointed eyes and layered responses that prove you know less than they do. You definitely do.

“The song stuck in my head,” he says, he continues, “and I picture her face when I hear it.” I Google the lyrics but can only think of paint and wallpaper and Johnny Cash.

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