A Guarded Endorsement

You will forget who you are but you will remember a retro version of yourself from before you knew what disappointment was: not a last Rolo, new Tarantino, silent movie sort of disappointment, but men leaving you for ex-wives, break ups in the age of Facebook, finding replaced music on the Dawson’s Creek DVDs because they couldn’t afford the licensing.

This version of you, the one that still loves Jack, will cry irrationally, spend the money of others, not know how to use a knife. He, your husband, who you forget daily like key codes for doors you walk through weekly or your Twitter password, looks at you and thinks, “She’s fuckable, just, but she dresses like boarding school, smells like her mother,” and you’ll not know if that’s a good or a bad thing, when your assessments are off, especially about George Clooney with a beard. And you’ll wonder why you don’t have religion, aren’t part of a community with a strong identity, have to piece together a new self from the old you and Gossip Girl and the stories your sister swears are true but you don’t know.


The One Thing He’s Done Wrong

Jack asks, “Who leaves the house on Valentine’s Day, who goes to town if they can avoid it?” when we’re in a cinema queue and the box office boy says they’re breaking records, expect distractions, shadows on screens and popcorn lodged in your neck creases.

He’s not wrong but some girls in front are in the wrong seats and the others, the girls who think they should be sitting there, stand next to us, sit in the aisles, and the ongoing whispers obstruct the dialogue, make the wedding scene seem layered, when really, it’s just a wedding. All it takes is one person picking wrong, sitting wrong, unsure where they should be, to throw the whole thing off.

Outside after we sip the coke we shouldn’t have bought and berate ourselves and the buses and the cinema-goers and we vow to make better decisions, to avoid perfect storm sort of situations, and we claw back time where we can but we can’t because you can’t claw time back.