What You Know/What I’ll Never

I’ll never know what it’s like to marry Brad Pitt.

Which tennis player’s which.

What tattoo needles feel like under skin.

What Johnny Depp smells like,

if he’s pliable like Play-Doh

or rigid like his waxwork I photographed you next to.

If blasphemy’s the sin

I’ve been drummed with to think.

If I’ll outlive Chris.

If the world ends like a disaster movie.

If we even exist

aren’t fragments or figments,

computers or characters in

cancelled TV shows in permanent limbo,

on somebody’s wishlist.
wedding news
Written for Encounter Productions, July 2013.
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-ity Fair (NaPoWriMo #28)

Jack says that you’re weird not because you’re weird but because his undecorated flat is a forgotten empire and his family were company-erased before he got here and his last mirror rusted then mould and he couldn’t bleach it or scrape so put it in the shed and when he over-hears you message leaving he recognises a trait, his or Jones’, which is what he calls the people he knew, that he forgets or was made to, that swim between Tom Hanks films, red velvet cake and Jupiter at 4.55am when no-one’s asleep, not even next door, when the Night Nurse lull lurches like vertical drop rollercoasters or falling from a tree accidentally or when Brad left Jen for Angelina Jolie and every year since the untrue article about them getting back, un-divorcing, is a promise, is your mantra, is a prayer, and you give up god, but not that.

sccc

 

Masks

Once, we were a behind doors, key under mat, two coffee cups for no reason couple. Now, I pull your mask down because your eyes are not enough and I take mine off because it made my nose look huge and that’s a good way to hide, win Oscars, or even be nominated, but I’m more into you than that. Accolades are for past lives.

In past lives we were at this point but perhaps I was younger than you are and you were more compromised than I am and you made the same choices as I have.

I don’t want to regress, find some spiritualist who can tell us what happened to us. I want to uncover it, marry it, decipher. The Da Vinci Code’s a fucking good read. I am not a completist, or someone who thinks inaccuracies make for bad stories. I would lie and lie and lie for you. I would write a book for you, talk copious amounts for shit for you. Hell, I’ll cook for you, if you really have the stomach.

But now, just now, I want to know what you look like without a mask on. Costumes are for bedrooms and you are for me as Angelina is to _____.

Jennifer Aniston’s OT

You date him because one day he will date Jennifer Aniston. You sense this like month’s coming, movie reviews, the heat of food at friend’s houses. And you can’t help yourself. Or you help yourself to bigger than you should’ve portions at picnics, beach barbeques, youth group. You overdo every time, and I don’t think I just mean food but I don’t know and I wouldn’t want to insinuate something that wasn’t at least a little grounded in reality, didn’t have some truth to it, because we all know what gossip at school was like. Some of us started it.

Once you’ve dated him you wonder what the fuss is. You concoct plans to keep him, that might’ve kept him, and you go about altering every mistake you consciously made thinking it was the best choice at the time. But there are no best choices just best guesses and anyone who thought they had the hold on a situation may as well sign up to a religion sold to them for money.

You buy the shampoos, perfumes, clothes’ ranges, endorsements, water. You watch the nineties back like it’s re-creatable and chances are it will be, at least by 2023, and your kids will ask you for tie-dye, heat changing shirts, faded cut-offs, Adidas canvas trainers, and you consider the point of the past, fashions selected yearly, when the cheap and the sensible thing would’ve been to stick it out in your fluorescent pinks and luminous yellows and leg warmers. Back then, even Angelina Jolie wasn’t noxious.

Was It Everything You Hoped?

Jack says there’s not a day for what he does, what he is, but there might be someday and he hopes he lives up to the title, and the title him. But not everything’s a perfect fit, and in some shops the labels don’t correspond to the nationally recognised measurements at all. And sometimes you can know too much but praying doesn’t undo anything and wishes are fallacies spawned by books then movies and positive action can be carried out with zero good intentions and I used to like Angelina Jolie, I think, once.

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